Mini-Thappads (slaps)
Thappad (a slap) is a 2020 Hindi movie in which the heroine is forced to re-assess her marriage when her husband slaps her at a party. It raises the moral dilemma as to whether a single slap justifies the break-up of a marriage. I will not spoil the ending for you by giving it away if you have not seen the movie which I would recommend.
The question raised in the movie was addressed from various angles and exemplified in two, actually three parallel stories. And even though extremely relevant and engaging on its own, for me the movie brought to mind yet another concern, very petty one might say but invasive in my opinion, that is, how people put others down all the time in what I call mini-thappads, mini-slaps especially when they are in a long-term relationship or in positions of authority and even in friendship.
Take jokes, for example. Men/husband jokes, women/wife jokes, mother-in-law jokes. They abound on all platforms and very often are told at parties for fun and laughter. Nothing personal, one might say. And even though I myself have laughed at these jokes, I can’t help wondering sometimes why do people resort to them for kicks or why do people find them funny. In the political arena too constant put downs are the norm.
The sad truth is that we attack each other in order to feel good ourselves, to hide our own insecurities. Or we belittle someone so as to come across as better ourselves. If we put the other down, be it a member of the opposite sex, or a partner, or someone with a different belief, any outsider, by finding a fault or an idiosyncracy, it makes us feel superior. Maybe sometimes people regurgitate such jokes only so as to come across as humorous or be the life of the party but if one were to give it some thought jokes at the expense of another are insidious even if said only in jest.
When a person laughs at a stereotypical joke which targets a particular quality in a specific group, it also suggests something about that person laughing. Dr. Miller who conducted a Sense of Humour Inventory said that a cartoon depicting a woman jacking up the wrong end of a car to fix a flat tyre is “only funny if you believe women are stupid.”
But stereotypical jokes are still generalized. What if you were to come up close and personal and that same joke was said of a partner? Wouldn’t that be a slap in the face?
We do it all the time, albeit unwittingly at times to people who are close to us. To our children when we rebuke and label them: “You are so lazy” or “You are really useless at languages.” Mini-slaps.
To partners: “You are so messy and disorganized.” or “You always forget.” Mini-thappads.
Such comments may have a grain of truth in them and that could also be the reason they are hurtful. But they still label people. It is best to avoid the use of ‘always’ and ‘never’ because when told repeatedly, (more slaps), they set people in a cast and very often they begin to believe that about themselves and thus the possibility of change is diminished.
When criticisms and snide remarks become public, even though jokingly, it is still an attack in my opinion and for some sensitive souls even more humiliating . Like: “He’s such a grown baby” or “I wish my wife had a mute button”; (You laughed, didn’t you? I did too, to be honest, and then I felt sorry for his wife even though I was fully aware it was only meant as a joke.) Or “During lockdown I learnt what it feels like to be married for fifty years” (by someone who has been married only for a year). One might say I do not have a sense of humour or that I am over-sensitive. But what I find worth reflecting upon is that I laugh at such so-called wit in the moment and still find them jarring. If one could put oneself in the place of the person at the receiving end of the joke, perhaps one would be more empathetic. And what about the times when the joke is at your expense or even when you yourself have resorted to a put down in public of your partner? Even though the targeted soul usually will grin and bear it or maybe come back with a repartee, at the end of the day they are all put downs and mini-slaps and mini-thappads accumulate in one’s psyche to fester, no matter how blase a front one might put up.
Not only that, they can erode a person’s self-worth and confidence and respect; plus they can undermine the actual relationship: they definitely do not enhance it.
In her book the Moment of Lift, Melinda Gates writes about lifting women. I admire her work and that of her Foundation for the amazing work they have done for women through various programmes relating to family planning, education and so much more. The questions she raises are much more global and definitely more far-reaching and profound. But in the same vein, in her words I would like to ask:
“How can we summon a moment of lift for human beings?…..And how can we create a moment of lift in human hearts…..Because sometimes all that’s needed is to stop pulling them down”.
