Marriages are made in Heaven
This proverb dates back to the sixteenth century and has its origins in a French proverb: Les mariages se font au ciel. It suggests that couples are paired by a divine power even before they meet, that we are destined to be with a particular person and that there is a deterministic force controlling our actions. It highlights the importance of marriage and encapsulates the idea that there is a spiritual dimension to romantic love. It celebrates love, as love and marriage have a cosmic significance behind them where the love of a spouse intersects with his or her faith.
Perhaps it also ties in with the romantic notion of a Cupid striking an arrow in the hearts of lovers because at the end of the day Cupid was a god. But that is where the similarity ends because he is believed to carry two types of arrows in his quiver: the ones made of gold represents true love whereas the ones with lead tips stand for wanton lust. Thus, Cupid is also known, not only as the god of love but also of passion. Though it can also be argued that when people ‘fall in love’ what they actually mean is that they are physically attracted to each other first and realistically speaking love in its true sense comes much later.
In an age when religion itself has been dismissed, when marriage is considered outdated, when there are different types of partnerships and external cultural norms no longer sustain and enforce long-term relationships, the relevance of this proverb goes against the grain of modern romance. Young adults today have a list of what they look for in their prospective spouses and need to tick the boxes. They want to get to know the other to see if they are compatible, to find a soulmate before making a commitment. But does one take into account that people change all the time, that circumstances do not stay the same and in the end it is not about finding the right match but being one yourself?
For even if one does not subscribe to this notion if considered either too spiritual or complete hogwash, the Law of Attraction which is a universal law lays claim to the idea that we attract a certain kind of people into our lives depending on our own vibrational frequency. So the energy field around us is still responsible for whom we get attracted to, the difference being of course that we are the creators of that field. And if our frequency is low we still have to work on ourselves.
So whether you ‘fall in love’ at first sight and have a long courtship, or you choose your bride from a balcony window and get married the following day or you see your spouse for the first time on your wedding day, what really matters is what follows after the fire of the infatuation burns out and what you do after that. For even if you do not believe that marriages are made in heaven in the strictest sense, I am sure you will agree that they have to be nurtured on earth.
My marriage was a ‘love’ marriage…in that it was not arranged. (God forbid!). Or so I thought in my naive youth. Today I firmly believe that we were ‘a match made in heaven’ not so much or not only in the romantic sense but in the spiritual sense. We had our fair share of ups and downs, even traumas that rocked our marriage but it was our sense of commitment to each other and to our family that saw us through. The spiritual dimension helps couples value marriage and rough out the hard times together.
Apart from the daily niggling irritations which do tend to fester sometimes if not kept in check and the squabbles over who will take out the bins, and more serious clashes over finances for example, I believe every marriage or partnership is put to the test at some stage which I like to call “stalemate”. It happens in the guise of challenging concerns like ill health sometimes or some other trauma, but very often it just creeps up on us with a sense of ennui, a feeling of being neglected, being taken for granted or simply growing apart due to the busy lives we lead. Especially when children are the glue and that no longer works that is the time to take stock. This juncture is perhaps time for both partners to find themselves as individuals again, (rather than losing oneself in each other as sometimes young couples are wont to do), learn new ways of being together and regroup to the hearth which they so lovingly created in the first place and still continue growing together.
Sometimes people view their partners as opposites and feel that they push the wrong buttons. But the truth of the matter is we tend to gravitate towards people who have similar values and beliefs and if we can think of each other as complementary rather than as opposites then there is room for your own personal growth. In fact, the very fact that we marry or partner a supposedly polar opposite adds weight to the notion that we were paired by a higher being because our journey here on earth is to be the best version of ourselves and our partner is one of our best teachers.
The secret to a good partnership is creating an emotional bond, maintaining and strengthening it and repairing it with forgiveness when damaged. Love is a choice — every day, every minute, especially with close ones. It is a consciousness, not an emotion. It is a verb — you have to show your love, act it out. Lifelong love goes beyond good looks and companionship. It is about looking at each other as someone you have invested in for your lifelong wellbeing. To grow, we have to be the most loving person we can be and be the soulmate that we want the other to be. And if the sparks fade, reignite them rather than look elsewhere.
In the end I think love just grows the more you are together, if watered carefully and you take care of each other. When Tevye asks Golde in “Fiddler on the Roof”: Do you love me? she is nonplussed by the question.
“After 25 years, why talk about love right now? For 25 years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him…If that’s not love, what is?”
In fact, you might laugh, but I have this strange hypothesis that put two people of the opposite sex in a secluded place where they have to help each other to survive, at some point along their journey they will realise that they are in love.
So enjoy the song by clicking on the blue link.
